Don't Blame Our Leaders

Don’t Blame The Leaders
from Napalm & Silly Putty
by George Carlin
Copyright © 2001 Comedy Concepts, Inc.

You, the People

In the midst of all my bitching, you might have noticed that I never complain about politicians. I leave that to others. And there’s no shortage of volunteers; everyone complains about politicians. Everyone says they suck.

But where do people think these politicians come from? They don’t fall out of the sky; they don’t pass through a membrane from a separate reality. They come from American homes, American families, American schools, American churches, and American businesses. And they’re elected by American voters. This is what our system produces. This is the best we can do. In our defense, we have very little to work with. Garbage in, garbage out.

Ignorant citizens elect ignorant leaders, it’s as simple as that. And term limits don’t help. All you get is a brand new bunch of ignorant leaders.

So maybe it’s not the politicians who suck; maybe it’s something else. Like the public. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody: “The public sucks. Elect me.” Put the blame where it belongs: on the people.

Because if everything is really the fault of politicians, where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans who are ready to step in and replace them? Where are these people hiding? The truth is, we don’t have people like that. Everyone’s at the mall or trying to get on reality TV. And complaining about the politicians.


Me, Vote? No!

For myself, I’ve solved this political dilemma in a very direct way. On Election Day, I stay home. Two reasons why:

First of all, voting is meaningless; this country was bought and paid for a long time ago. That empty shit they shuffle around and repackage every four years doesn’t mean a thing. And it doesn’t matter which party’s man is living at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, nothing will change until Joe Six Pack starts caring more about his fellow citizens that he cares about himself.

Second, I don’t vote, because I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. I know people like to twist that around and say, “If you don’t vote, you have no right to complain.” But where is the logic in that? Think it through: if you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they screw things up, then you are responsible for what they’ve done because you voted them in. You caused the problem. and you have no right to complain.

I, on the other hand, who did not vote –– who, in fact, did not even leave the house on Election Day –– am in no way responsible for what these politicians have done, and have every right to complain about the mess you created. Which I had nothing to do with. Why can’t people see that?

Now, I realize next year you folks will have another one of those really swell presidential elections you treasure so much. I’m sure you will all have a great time, and believe your life will improve once your candidate wins.

But I’m happy to tell you that on Election Day I will stay home. And I’ll essentially do what you’ll do. The only difference is when I get finished masturbating, I’ll have something to show for it.

Baseball and the 2011 World Series

Today, Jeff Passan and Yahoo! Sports published one of the most intelligent pieces of journalism I’ve ever read, and I felt obliged to include a link to it below. Read it first, then my page to get the full picture of what's happening in baseball.

http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news;_ylt=AjOrXnD5adc_rxJJaLyQSBYRvLYF?slug=jp-passan_world_series_ratings_baseball_health_102511

As an insanely rabid baseball fan, I believe the sport has four major problems to overcome. The first two have existed since the sport began, the second since television began, and the third since 1992.

Item One – It Takes Work ‘Cause You Gotta Want It

Baseball is a very complex sport that requires much from its’ fans because often there are dozens of things happening when it appears nothing is happening at all. It is a subtle game that requires a certain elegance of thinking to understand and love, and involves hundreds of statistics when managers complete lineup cards or make personnel changes during the game.

Americans today have the same problem with baseball they have with everything: the vast majority of them have short attention spans when it comes to things that don’t provide instant gratification. Besides a three-run homer or well-turned double-play, baseball will never provide instant gratification.

Item Two – New York City? Get A Rope!

The media center of this country is New York City. As a result, everything in our national broadcast and print media has a New York bias built in.

An example of this is the recession. There are and have been lots of good-paying jobs in this country during the recession. Manufacturing and financial jobs have disappeared from the east coast and near mid-west, but other sectors are booming in Texas, Wyoming, North Dakota, Alaska, and other locations with very low costs of living, and little or no state income taxes. But you don’t hear much about these jobs because the people who write and report the news are urban and east coast based.

The point is this: millions of people are Yankee fans, but not many of them are baseball fans. They’re Yankee fans because the Yankees receive the most air time on SportsCenter. They’re Yankee fans because it’s easy to be a Yankee fan. Since 1900 the Yankees have spent the most in players’ salaries to insure they would win the most championships which always builds a fan base, because America loves a winner. Had a salary cap been in effect for the last 100-plus years, I doubt the Yankees would have done as well.

Item Three – Television; Boob Tube or Groove Tube?

The rectangular shape of NFL gridirons and NBA hardwood floors fit the television screen much better than the quarter-round of a baseball diamond. There isn’t much going on behind the scenes in either basketball or football, so fans don’t have to think much to enjoy the action.

Don’t misunderstand me, I am not implying football and basketball fans aren’t intelligent, just that they like checking their intellect at the door when it comes to watching sports. This doesn’t make them right or wrong, just different from baseball fans.

Item Four – Can I Interest You In A Barely Used Baseball Team With Low Miles?

I remember baseball when the commissioner was elected by the owners for life and had ultimate power to act in the best interests of baseball even when the owners didn’t like it. Having a real commissioner was the only thing that kept both the owners and players in line.

Having a real commissioner ended in 1992 when Faye Vincent resigned after a no-confidence vote by the owners. This was the result of an owner’s coup against Vincent after he agreed with the players and their arbitrators that the owners colluded against the players in 1985, 1986, and 1987 to fix prices on free agents. It cost the owners $280 million to settle, and angered the main architects of the collusion, owners Jerry Reinsdorf of the White Sox and Bud Selig of the Brewers, to the point of asking the owners to vote on Vincent remaining as commissioner.

It figures that a used car dealer like Selig and a Brooklyn lawyer like Reinsdorf would try something like this. They got caught and paid up, then decided it was time to have a commissioner that would take care of the owners rather than “the best interests of baseball.”

Selig and the owners had an opportunity to fix a huge problem during the strike that cancelled the end of the season and the World Series in 1994. But in the standoff the owners blinked first when they agreed to revoke the salary cap and return to the old agreement. What were the owners afraid of? They were already the most hated and vilified people in America, if they would have just stuck to their guns, the cap would have stayed, and fans in places like Pittsburgh and Kansas City would now have the same money as the Yankees to spend on players’ salaries.

Bud Selig has done nothing to promote or help baseball and I am counting the days until he leaves. Any fan who follows the game sees him for what he is – a slimy used car salesman with only his own interests in mind. For a guy successful in marketing, and after all the years as an owner and commissioner, he still doesn’t understand the game, the players, or its’ fans He’s too busy wringing his hands worrying about the television ratings of Cardinals/Rangers compared to an NFL game or his dream World Series matchup of Yankees/Dodgers.

Epilogue – What If We Had A World Series And Nobody Came?

Intelligent sports fans and writers realize that you don’t compare sports to each other in terms of television ratings. I guarantee you that real baseball fans everywhere are watching the 2011 World Series, which has given us many, many great moments. All I can say is thank you to Jeff Passan for reminding me of what I already knew, and to the baseball gods for allowing me to watch.

I'm In Charge Now

Attention everyone, I am in charge now, and the following will happen immediately:

The federal tax structure is changed to a FLAT TAX system based on GROSS INCOME for everyone. That's right, EVERYONE including low income folks and corporations, with no write offs. This will fix a lot of revenue issues while systematically dismantling the IRS. If you want benefits from a system, you must contribute to the system. Oh, and the top limit on social security and medicare wages is removed, which should fix the problems with those programs.

Income    -    Tax Rate
$0 - 25 K   -   2.35%
$25 K - $50 K   -   6.35%
$50 K - $100 K   -   8.35%
$100 K - $250 K   -   12.35%
$250 K - Unlimited   - 17.35%

Moving forward, our country will only spend what we take in, just like real American households. The income should be pretty good though, because ALL foreign aid stops today. Revenue generated in our country from taxing our citizens or other means stays within our borders.

Welfare programs are changed to mirror unemployment, meaning there are well-defined limits. You want something? Work for it. No jobs in your community or state? Move where the jobs are. Believe it or not, it’s what your forefathers did. If you think work is not for you and decide to take what you need from others, there are very efficient methods of accurately delivering small pieces of lead at very high velocities.

Contrary to what the east coast based media continues to tell us, there are jobs in this country folks. But they are jobs that most people don't want because they either aren't what they always dreamed of doing, or the job involves sweat and dirt. Most manufacturing and financial jobs have disappeared, but other sectors are doing well. There are good-paying jobs in Texas, Wyoming, Montana, North Dakota, and Alaska, with very low costs of living, and no state income taxes.

Speaking of jobs and business, anything sold in this country that wasn't made in this country gets an automatic 200% tariff imposed. That includes parts imported to assemble things and raw materials that are available here as well. Anything, and I mean anything, not physically manufactured in THIS country is subject to a 200% tariff. I am tired of U.S. companies outsourcing overseas to increase some CEO's bonus from 4 million to 6 million a year.

Labor unions are going back to doing what they were designed to do before organized crime got their hands in the pie. They should prevent workers from being disposable parts, insure quality training of their craftsmen, and administer how craftsmen are promoted. Of course, "craftsmen" is a genderless term, because I refuse to use twisted, tortured, politically correct terms just so one or two overly sensitive persons don't get their feelings hurt.

Hey butthead. Yeah, you. The guy who borrowed $160,000 to attend some small, private liberal arts college and get a degree in art history and Russian literature. Did you really think you would find a job using your degree? Really? If so, you are either delusional or stupid, and should be removed from the gene pool immediately. I don't care if it's been your life long dream. My life long dream was to be a professional baseball player. Do the same thing I did: get over it. You could have gone to welding school for 18-24 months and been making six figures a year before turning 30. Of course, you’d actually have to do some physical work for the money.

We're dismantling several cabinet level agencies: The departments of Housing and Urban Development, Health and Human Services, Commerce, Labor, Energy, and Education are gone effective immediately. They cost a bunch of money and no one seems to know what the tangible benefits of having these agencies. We're keeping a few pieces of the department of Agriculture, but it's mostly going away as well. Farm subsidies? Gone. The government is no longer in the business of paying someone for not growing something.

Our involvement in all wars outside of our borders ends today, and we are bringing our military home to defend our country and our laws. Within thirty days, every American military person is coming home to their family and friends with our deepest gratitude and respect for their service. I’m tired of old, privileged, upper-class white guys sending the middle and lower class to do their fighting. Seems a little medieval, don’t you think?

My promise is that we will NEVER again meddle in any country's affairs but our own, because we have more than enough to fix here. However, you also have my promise that if you kill one of us, we will kill 1,000 of you. Fly another plane into one of our buildings, and we will level your country, killing every man, woman, child, goat, and chicken in the process. You want Jihad? You got it.

People currently in our country illegally who have legitimate ties to the U.S., here is your green card and social security card. Welcome to America; you are now a tax payer. Your path to citizenship begins now and includes learning English and American history, and assimilating to our society. If you want to fly a flag of your home country at your home or business and don't want to learn English, go back where you came from. You came here because we do things differently here and have opportunities you did not have back home. Don't come here to live and work expecting us to change who we are for you.

Our national motto is changed to “Live and Let Live,” which means mind your own damn business. If another citizen’s actions ruffle your precious sensibilities but don’t impinge upon your rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, then get over it and move on. Notice I said "pursuit of happiness," not actual happiness.

Gay marriage? Approved. But, if someone doesn't want to bake a cake for your wedding, find another baker.

Abortion? Approved, but not paid for with public money. We don't care how poor you are. Condoms are cheap and so are oral contraceptives.

Marijuana? Legalized, and taxed at 200%, which gives users a serious price reduction while generating some serious revenue.

Death Penalty? Absolutely; imposed within 12 months of conviction in the county where the capital offense occurred. Public hangings on the courthouse lawn will show our children what happens when you do wrong.

You are allowed to tell people, "I can't do that, it's against my religion." You are not allowed to tell people, "You can't do that, it's against my religion." Your religion is your religion, not mine. Your belief system is your own, not mine. Telling each other how we should live our lives is how we ended up at each others throats in the first place.

You want to build a mosque in my neighborhood? Awesome, because houses of worship are always welcome. Just remember we have noise ordinances when the calls to prayer go out. And no, that doesn’t impinge on your religious freedom. I don’t practice Islam, and I don’t care when you pray, just as you shouldn’t care when I pray. But I do believe in prayer, so rock on.

Summer Health Issues (Reprise for 2010)

Well, I haven't written anything in a while, but many people have asked me to tell the story of the health problems I've experienced over the past couple of weeks.

As Mark Twain said the rumors of my death are greatly exaggerated (but not by much).

I left for Beaumont on Sunday, July 25th, with my wife and daughter behind me in my wife’s car. It had been a normal work week and weekend for me, but Shelley had just finished a long, hard, stressful week of pre-training with the Rangerettes, and she and Ryan wanted to spend some quality time with me in Beaumont. We left Kilgore about 4:45, and about nine miles south of my home something happened that made me pull my truck over and put it in Park, but I left the motor running.

Shelley pulled over in front of me because I had not called to her say I was stopping. Her assumption was that I had forgotten something at home, and I was going to tell her in person what was going on when she pulled up next to me.

However, I was slumped back in the seat of my truck, and my doors were locked. My locks were not set to unlock when the truck was placed in park, an issue which is now corrected.

Upon seeing my condition (which was unconscious) Shelley began beating on the door glass and screaming to try and make me wake up; no response. While this was going on, a Good Samaritan pulled up and Shelley began screaming for him to call 911; he did.

Being the awesomely strong, sensible, and sometimes purely insane women my wife is, she climbed into the bed of my truck, got a loose 2x4, and use it cave in my back window with one mighty swing. Shelley climbed through the back window, unlocked the doors, and killed the motor. She checked my pulse which was very weak and thready at best. The Good Samaritan climbed in the truck, and had 911 on the phone while Shelley was administering CPR.

Two other men and a woman pulled over to help. It took all five of them to get my big dead-weight self out of the truck. They lay me down on the ground in front of my truck and began to administer CPR. Within a minute or two, a DPS trooper arrived to assist.

The DPS trooper assumed CPR duties because Shelley was hysterical (her words, not mine). A nurse showed up shortly after the trooper, and they began alternating CPR. An EMS ambulance arrived shortly after the nurse, and the EMS technicians began CPR and use of an electronic defibrillator

The EMS techs shocked me into a normal sinus rhythm, and I was transported to the hospital in Henderson. I remained in the Henderson hospital for three hours then was transferred to Longview Regional via Life-Flight helicopter. The doctors, nurses, and techs in Henderson, on the Life-Flight, and in Longview thought my odds were less than 10% that I’d actually make it all the way back.

I have absolutely NO memory of anything late Saturday evening, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and almost all of Wednesday.

But, here is the good news…
• I AM ALIVE
• I DID NOT have a heart attack
• I STILL DO NOT have any coronary artery issues

The problem I have was fixed with a 45-minute surgery late Monday (8/2) afternoon to install a small auto-defibrillator just under the skin of my chest. I was released from the hospital early Tuesday (8/3) afternoon and I am convalescing well at home. Still sore as can be, but starting to realize that most of the soreness is from lying around so long. Been up some today, and I am starting to feel better.

This is two summers in a row that a cardiac emergency cancelled my Sturgis vacation. Maybe someone is trying to tell me something.

Thanks to the DOZENS who came to visit me, and the HUNDREDS who sent (and continue to send) well wishes via e-mail, Facebook, and text message.

Love you all,
Michael

Who Really Hates America?

Thank you to the junior Senator from Minnesota, Al Franken, for the idea and some content.

No American, regardless of their politics, hates America; we all love America the same amount. We just love America in different ways.

Conservatives love America like a 4-year-old loves his mommy. To a 4-year-old, everything Mommy does is wonderful and anyone who criticizes Mommy is bad. The scramble to defend mommy by shouting down those who criticize her creates noise that obscures or hides the real issues that mommy needs to deal with.

Liberals love America like grown-ups who assume their relationship always has problems that need working on. It’s an overworked and tiring road to take, with an OCD focus on the list of things that need doing, rather than doing the things themselves. A lot of time is spent on defining the issues, but no real progress ever gets made.

I’ve found that most people in this country are just like me in that they fit under the “meaty” portion of the bell curve. This is not to say that our politics are all the same, but it does means that we take the issues one at a time, and don’t necessarily follow a party line. We’re pragmatists who realize that sometimes the best solution to a problem is a conservative approach; other times a liberal one. It really is okay to be pro-choice and pro-death penalty.

We pragmatists are often called “middle of the roaders who have no moral compass.” However, what we really believe is that neither major party is serving the vast majority of folks in this country. What we want is the best solution to individual problems, and to not have party line noise masking solutions.

I have family members who are all over the spectrum politically, and I really miss the days when we could talk in a civil manner, search for common ground, and agree to disagree on the other stuff. Al Franken said that his grandfather taught him that reasonable people can disagree.

Sit down some day without Fox or MSNBC on in the background and make a prioritized list of what is important to you. Ask a friend with opposing politics to do the same. Compare notes later and I bet you’ll find that the top five or six items are exactly the same.

So at the end of day, my only questions are:

Why do we let the pundit morons on TV focus on the stuff way down on the list?

And, why can't we discuss politics without questioning the motives and intelligence of the other side?

Lost Fathers

Thank you to an unknown editorial author from the New York Times. His story inspired me to take time to write my own, borrowing heavily from his content. I hope this inspires others to create their own story.

There are many old color photographs, faded from years of storage, of my sons and me. Many are with my oldest son swimming in an overseas lake or swimming pool, or sitting on the sofa both playing guitar. Permanently captured on paper, these photos capture a happier time, and remind me of all that I missed in both their lives.

There are no guidebooks on how to reenter a son’s life. There is no Web site that will tell a father what to expect or how to act when he and his sons begin to spend time together again after many years of no involvement. How do you greet each other? How do you tell them that it’s not their fault? And, can a father assuage himself of a mountain of guilt by becoming involved in his sons’ lives after the hard work of raising them well is already done? These are issues a previously absent father must tread around carefully.

There are millions of absent fathers; there are at least that many children out there who are wondering who their fathers are. Barack Obama recalled in “Dreams From My Father” that when he was small, his father just vanished. “It was into my father’s image…that I’d packed all the attributes I sought in myself,” he wrote. When Mr. Obama was told that his father had died, he said, “I felt no pain, only the vague sense of an opportunity lost.”

My sons were not going to miss his opportunity. But would they want to know why I didn’t or couldn’t stay with their mother and in their lives? I would expect such a question, but knew I would have trouble answering, or maybe not be able to answer at all.

I was from a dysfunctional family, first-born of six to a Philadelphia Jew, and a southern girl whose biggest childhood challenge was keeping her abusive father out of her pants. Both suffered from massive self-esteem problems that compelled them to compete with their children rather than insure the kids all reached higher levels than they had.

Their children’s attempts at success were subconsciously but systematically sabotaged, leaving the children frustrated and confused; an environment that did not groom the sons to know much about the obligations of a dad. As Mr. Obama has said, fathers often “abandoned their responsibilities, acting like boys instead of men.”

My sons need to know that it was not their mother and it was not them, I just had no sense of responsibility at that early age. I just dropped out and ran away. For that I am truly sorry, and I understand any anger or resentment they may harbor.

My sons have never asked why, but I would rather have it out in the open. Maturity, years of experience and acceptance of personal responsibility have left me no reason to lie, and no reason to hold back. I want them to judge me. Their condemnation could free me; their forgiveness might allow me to try to become the father I never was.

It is too late to pick up where my sons and I left off so many years ago and I certainly won’t make the mistake of trying to act like a traditional dad. But I like the idea that we are friends, and that one day we may feel the love we had for each other when they were little boys.

It looks as if my boys turned out O.K. The credit for that goes to their mom.

The oldest is a doctor married to a doctor, and they have two awesome children; one girl, one boy. The youngest has two beautiful daughters, a wonderful wife, and is very much like me; always questioning authority, and always believing that he can prove the exception rather than the rule.

I thank God for both of them every day.

Michael Vick

Thanks for content contributions from David Wayne (my brother) and Mark Robertson (a golfing buddy of David’s). The bulk of this is from a couple of their shared e-mails. My inserted responses are in italics.

For the love of Pete, could somebody please help me with why all the fuss over Michael Vick?

I mean seriously, besides from his recent return from jail time, what has he done on the football field? I recognize athletic talent more so than the average guy, and Vick is, at best, an average NFL quarterback with a ton of physical talent.

Most savvy sports people agree that he is a gifted, but “an out of position player” when it comes to the quarterback position (much like Vince Young, but that's another story for another day).

Why the fuss about Vick’s return to the NFL? And no, it is not about him being black and a thug (this time). It’s about whether Michael Vick is a solid NFL quarterback.

Why would he go to the Philadelphia Eagles when they have a proven and quality man (Donovan McNabb) for the job? This man also happens to be an African-American who is a classy, educated, family guy.

Donovan McNabb is an excellent NFL quarterback who has kept the Eagles very close to the Super Bowl for several years now. He has become injury prone as his career has worn on. He entered the league in 1999 and had a solid three-year run, but in the seven seasons since then, McNabb has missed at least 22 starts. The Eagles wanted a solid backup, and McNabb was one of the first people asked to approve the Vick acquisition.

We have seen some quality black players at the quarterback position in the NFL in the past twenty years: Doug Williams, Warren Moon, Steve McNair, and Donovan McNabb. I am sure we missed some others. So does Vick really deserve all the media attention and hype?

Michael Vick is not receiving attention and hype because he is an awesome NFL quarterback. He went to prison, and the media is awestruck that a black man can go to prison, pay the debt to society that the justice system demands of him, and then have a “normal” life after the debt is paid. The media’s job is to ignite a fire storm of controversy that will sell advertising and get people talking. Of course, the PETA people want Vick to have a minimum wage job the remainder of his life that will keep him, a black ex-con, in poverty and desperation forever (so much for elitist liberalism).

Vick did not overcome a serious injury or spend two years fighting in Iraq. His story is definitely news worthy though.

You have animal rights advocates (who are down right nasty and wish he'd gotten the death penalty) on one side, and on the other, extreme Philly football fans intrigued by his 4.3 speed and strong arm and most could care less about his treatment of dogs if he helps them contend for a Super Bowl.

He does give hope to all the African-American men who have gone to prison or jail (about one out of every 5). It’s important to know that a guy can go from being a multi-millionaire to a jailbird and then rebound to a life where he can use the skills he’s acquired in life.

If you do something wrong, there is a price to pay. Once you pay the price, you have to live with the stigma for the rest of your life. That should be enough. Let's not forget that Vick is also $20 million in debt. In a country that believes in second chances and roots for the underdog (no pun intended), you would think some would celebrate Michael Vick's return to the NFL. I'm just sayin'...