Capturing Lost Youth?

I’ve been playing sleuth a bit over the past year or so, looking around on Facebook and other social network sites, for people I knew between 1977 and 1987, between the ages of 20 and 30.  That was an influential era for me, and looking back at that time now, I realize I was more impressionable during that span than ever admitted to myself. The memories from that decade are careening upon me now; and it’s bittersweet.

My life over the last 24-plus years has been beyond awesome and phenomenal because it’s included my wife, Shelley, and our daughter Ryan, coupled with some of the best friends and experiences I’ve ever known. Looking back, I can honestly say that I have no regrets, and it feels good to say that with an honest heart and a fulfilled soul.

So what’s been pushing me to find and reconnect with people from that part of my life? I don’t know, and I’m not all that sure that I’ll ever really know, part of me just wants to sit back and enjoy the ride. And on this ride I found some folks from my first overseas military assignment (1977-79) at Torrejon AFB near Madrid, Spain. My first wife and I had some great friends in our apartment building, among them were Judy and Bill who had a set of ten-year-old twin boys, Raymond and Nathan. Bill was the person who taught me how to play guitar, a hobby I still enjoy today. I was fortunate enough to catch up with both twins and Judy on Facebook, and was pleased to hear that they are all doing well. The memories we’ve shared have been incredible, and I look forward to seeing them in California soon.

I found Rodney, another Air Force friend I knew from my second overseas assignment in Turkey, and we also were stationed together stateside at Bergstrom AFB in Austin, TX. Rod made the Air Force a career, then retired to Arizona. Woody is another military retiree I was stationed with in Austin who is originally from my home town of Fort Worth. He is now a civil service technical instructor who lives on the Mississippi gulf coast, and  teaches new technologies to Air Force officers. Ed didn’t retire from the Air Force, but he served his country and then settled in San Angelo, TX. Ed and I take great pride in our high-spirited, but civil political debates that give us both perspective in our lives. Seeing how friends’ lives have evolved has been a great lesson in human nature.

Facebook has been great for finding old high school friends too. It’s interesting how people can change through the years. Gary was a friend from high school who was my roommate at Texas A&M, and enlisted in the Air Force the same time I did. We lost touch in the early eighties, but saw each other at our 20-year high school reunion. Gary retired from the Air Force, and settled in New Mexico. He now has a solid and sincere relationship with God, which is a far cry from who he was in his youth. This is an example of the kind of incongruence that happens after losing contact with a close friend for a long time. The picture in my mind of who they were all those years ago is so clear, that who they are now gets filtered through that image of the past, often creating a mental mismatch that takes a while to work through.

There has been sadness on the search as well. One friend, Susie, who was always a lady, did not make it to her 39^th birthday. She was a renegade soul, as sweet and honest as they come, and was the spitting image of Debra Winger, with the same hair, eyes, and crooked smile. Our friendship worked well because we both enjoyed each other’s company immensely, and we had zero demands or expectations regarding the relationship. I found her obituary from November 2001 online several weeks ago, and it affected me greatly. Two of her sisters are on Facebook, but I have not contacted them because I’ve never met them, and I don’t know if trying to connect with them would be good for them. I do know that I miss Susie dearly.

I found another renegade soul in my wife, Shelley, though she would try to convince you that she is anything but. She is a very strong woman, independent and not needy or possessive, with an incredible physical beauty that mostly comes from her confidence in who she is as a person, and that she is comfortable in her own skin. Professionally she operates within a very staid, conservative environment, but she makes changes when and where she can, not just for the sake of change, but when it is pragmatic to do so.

Those close to me now know that I had an experience on the side of a highway in July 2010 that should have ended differently. It was a one-in-a-million experience, and maybe the fact that I am that one-in-a-million guy is motivating my search for the past.

Other real-life changes could be motivating me as well. The closing of two of my previous military duty stations in Spain and Austin encroach on my memories of the past, attempting to eliminate the memories by removing the physical evidence that support them. The only thing that keeps them alive are the people I shared them with.

Finally, I think I am looking for old friends to seek out the relationships where I wasn’t always a good friend; those where I took more than I gave back. I’d really like to see those people again, ask forgiveness for my selfishness, and make it up to them somehow. With few exceptions, I genuinely like the man that I am now, and I long for some of my old friends to see a person they didn’t get a chance to know and like.

Maybe I’ve reached that point in my life where I can look back honestly on who I was in my youth, and know that I wasn’t always the best I could be. If so, not dying on the side of the road on that July day is because God isn’t quite done with me.

I sure hope so.